February 19, 2010

That "Nice Guy" Business Again

This one's for the male readers. I've been in some discussions about "nice guys". Some people don't get it, so I'm going to explain as concisely as possible.

The way I have it figured, being a nice guy depends on your motivation. Being kindhearted, helpful, considerate and so forth are all admirable qualities and should be cultivated in everyone. And then there's the guy who is being "nice" because he thinks it will get him laid. 

I'm going to talk in generalities, because there are always exceptions. The "nice guy" thing that bothers me is Nice Guy Syndrome. (No, not all psychologists accept this, but I believe it anyway.) These fellows often have self-esteem problems and are out of touch with their own masculinity. They do not know what they want, or do not care. What matters most is pleasing others, especially the women. Essentially, they feel that if they are nice and act like Helpy Helperton all the time, women will be attracted by their fawning.

OK, try this one. Remember the old cartoons with Spike the Bulldog and Chester the Terrier? Spike was being big and strong, and Chester was always trying to please Spike. He'd be bouncing around, saying, "Whaddya wanna do today, Spike? Huh?" When guys give that appearance, it is certainly not attractive to women. And it embarrasses the "Spike" guys, too.

Listen up, guy. It doesn't work that way. This behavior does not spark attraction (and that's what you really want). Instead, it puts you in the "friend" category — if the babe in question will even give you a second glance. Women want "real" men, who have self-confidence, masculinity, who know what they want in life and in relationships, etc. Why do you think they keep going back to the jerks that treat them like dirt? Sure, some of these women have self-esteem issues. But consider this: The "bad boys" practically radiate confidence, and exhibit some of the "real man" qualities that women desire to see in you.

Don't get me wrong! If you go out treating women like dirt because you think that's what they want, you're going to fail. Instead, develop some self-confidence and quit the constant fawning behavior. This kind of nice guy stuff is not good for you, for the ladies or for anyone. You do have a right to have your own needs met, so stop putting yourself last just so you can appear to be a nice guy. Check out this book and the online support group for more help.

OK, so do we have it cleared up? Once again, be nice all you want, but consider your motives. And consider your own needs. It's great to be a nice guy, but it's miserable to be a doormat.


Anonymous said...

Very enjoyable read! You cut to the chase and I like that...I think it probably speaks to the general attention level of most males. It is interesting how some males see weakness and others strength...for some Nice Guys they would say they are the "evolution" of men and that a "kinder" man goes along way in a relationship. I am of the mindset that it is about splitting the atom---that to be strong you have to know how to be sensitive and collaborative and to be sensitive and team oriented means you have to have a good sense of your boundaries.
Dr. Rod

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