September 9, 2008

Matters of Size

Advisory: Mature Content

Yep, I put an advisory on this one. It’s not going to be profane, illustrated or full of graphic descriptions of personal acts, but I’m reluctant for kids to read this.

Yours truly is not in much of a mood to kid around, so I’ll just get right to it. This one is for the men. If women are reading, fine. In fact, maybe you’ll want to send the link to this post (or use the e-mail button at the bottom of the article, next to the comments tag) and send it to male friends that need it.

I don't know how the rest of the world acts, but Western society places a great deal of value on the size of, uh, certain appendages. You know, the ones we usually cover up in public. Yeah, I see you’re catching on. Well, I’ll start with women anyway. I know you’re still reading this, and the first discussion point helps work towards my main goal.

I've heard women saying that they wish they could “upgrade” to larger breasts. Why? Because of the role society places on big hooters. And society changes. I read somewhere that in the 1920s, flat-chested was the “in” thing, and larger women would hide their size to appear smaller! And it’s not just men who put each other down. Women will put one another down for being less-endowed in the chest department.

If a woman isn't happy with her measurements, she has a few choices. One is to make the entire package more presentable. You change what you can, Cupcake, and have to live with the rest. Make the most of what you can, especially personality. If you think that all the guys will reject you because of the size of your melons (or apples, or limes, or whatever), well, first of all, you're wrong. Second, if some guy is going to reject you because of the fruit you bear (or bare), then he's a jerk and you're better off without him. Some men might have preferences, but it's usually the entire package that we want. If you have what your man wants, then accept that fact, and accept yourself as well.

By the way, forget the padding. Just like colored contact lenses, padding is false advertising. If you get a man interested in you, he'll eventually find out. It's better to be honest and up front (heh!).

I was so taken with one of my girlfriends that I didn’t even notice that she was impaired in the pair. She had so much going for her, I didn’t care about her measurements!

And now for the main topic.

It's more difficult for men in this society in regards to penis size. (Yes, I said it, deal with it.) It's become a measure of character and "manliness" to have a big cucumber. Uh huh. Wonder why this became a standard? Maybe you’ve been looking at too much porn, Zeke? (There really is a site called “circus penis”, featuring freakishly large men.) Porn stars are hired to fit an image that the producers want to present. And that image is not the typical male. No, commercial porn is fake. (Get real, nobody can last that long and have a woman squeal with joy the entire time. The director stops them, lets them cool down, and then they resume. Then there's editing the content.) Also, if you ever read porn stories, you’ll want to laugh out loud because the men are all so well-endowed: “She moaned with joy as she took my entire eight inches…” No wonder men have inferiority feelings! They watch porn (with all the realism of wrestling in the WWE), and they read fantasy stories and think that they’re real. I knew a guy that posted under the name of Hugh Jorgan. Sound it out a couple of times, you’ll get it.

Surveys say that most men are dissatisfied with their size, and wish they could be bigger.

Men get all upset because they think they’re not big enough, and that women (or “partners”, if you swing that way) will reject them because of that. Well, that’s between you and your lover. If you're pleasing, that’s all you need.

Let me point some things out, though. Because society equates “manliness” with penis size, and somehow, having a massive schlong automatically makes you a good lover. Neither assumption is true in the least. Notice the ridicule heaped on men? “Yeah, Charlie, you must have a small thing, there!” Or, “You’re a member of the Two Inch Club!” May as well make fun of someone for being too short, or too tall. Nobody can change those physical attributes, either.

Think, for crying out loud! How can something that is a genetic crap-shoot, an accident of birth, be something to be proud of? Man or woman, penis or breast, it’s nothing you built yourself. You have no right to boast about it, and you can’t change it. Accept it.

I know women that are intimidated by huge men. Doing the Bang Tango is sometimes painful for them! Sure, there are women that will have a preference for a “big” man. Fine, be that way. (Some have a physical problem that they can only feel “Hugh Jorgan”, and a minor surgery can correct that.) But there are many more women that are prefer a thoughtful lover that wants to please her.

Let me repeat this (and I hate to repeat myself): Having a big stick doesn’t automatically make you a good lay. Whatever you have, it’s how you use it. Learn some techniques, some skill, some restraint – and don’t be selfish. If you please her, she’ll most likely want you again.

If you want to get laid, you need to have some things going for you. Being married and faithful is vital. Good hygiene will help. So will decent manners, a job, an interesting personality, adequate clothes (don't be going Joe Fashion Conscious on me, though). Do some research at AskMen.com and Men's Health, among others, to see what turns women off — and on. Some goofball in a stained T-shirt, holding a beer, stinking like a goat and saying, "C'mere sweet cakes, gimme some sugar" isn't going to get lucky, is he? (Women aren't turned on by fat old guys. Unless those old guys have a lot going for them, especially money.) Oh, and walk with confidence.

Age doesn't always matter, either. Sean Connery was considered sexy in his sixties! Look at him, with that poise, confidence, walk...sounding nice, good thing I'm straight...

I’m going to close this with some links that back me up. I hope you guys will feel better about yourselves, accept the package (heh) that was delivered, and use it well. Here they are, read up, class: First, second, third.


Addendum 9-10-2008:
The last time I had sex, I had to pay an extra twenty dollars. I asked, "What's the extra twenty dollars for?"
"Finder's fee", she answered.

One last item for the Nervous Nellies that insist that they're too small: Remember seeing adverts for Enzyte, the "natural male enhancement" pill, with Smiling Bob? The penis size fears are so widespread that this pill was copied. Bad move. It's so fake that the founder of the enhancement pill is in jail for fraud!


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