Caring, Friends and Stuff

Hi, Kids! Uncle Bob has been in a pensive mood lately (as you saw in the previous post). Maybe from the stress of work. I don't know. Sometimes I need to get away from everyone, close the door to my office, play music and clean my guns. And then my mind really wanders.

I'm not the type that takes friendship lightly. There are people on Yahoo, My Space and so forth that have a thousand "friends". Right. Friendly acquaintances, people to play with, whatever. To me, friendship is a commitment. I try to take care of my friends.

When Neil called me to talk about his adventures with the Bulleproof Bitch, he suddenly slowed down and felt guilty for "bothering me". So, I drove over there, put him in the car and we drove off. That was partly to get privacy so he could tell his story unimpeded, but also for me to show that, yes, I care.

I got an e-mail from one of my favorite goomahs who happens to be on the left coast. We don't see each other often enough. She had some things going on in her life and didn't want me to see the "ugly parts" (my offer to get together and bump uglies didn't cheer her up much). She said, "I look at things going on in your life that you have to deal with, and things a friend has to deal with, and know I have no right to feel bad. But I still do, and I hate it!" Penny for your thoughts? I still want to know.

Guess what, Babe? You still feel what you feel. It's not a case of "having a right" or anything. Sure, everything is perspective. I have stress at work with trying to keep the guys in line, not get caught by the bad guys, making sure I hit my targets, etc. And then there are people that are worse off than I am. That doesn't mean I have no right to get flustered about my own life. I know what I feel, and have to ride it out. Wait for another day.

One of the things I was pondering is the way love works. (The powerful love, not the love of "thwap...thwap...thwap".) Years ago, I was told that I was receiving too much attention. This woman didn't want her daughter to take the "love" that she was entitled to and give it to me. It was like love is in a container, and there's just so much to go around. Guess what, Cupcake? It's self-replicating. You give love, and that "container" generates more love.

How can I listen to people's problems when I have my own? They do the same for me. How can it be done? Because love generates more love. Somehow, there's room to listen to someone else when you really care about them.

I've received small expressions of caring that have meant a great deal to me.

Yes, you can have limits. One is when you put the burden on yourself that you not only have to listen, but you have to solve their problems. (No, people often don't expect you to solve the problems. They just want you to listen and to know that you care.) Another limit is when you take on too much, and get too emotionally involved in their problems. Sure, you can cry along with them. But then you have to dial it down inside so that it doesn't consume you. And I believe that most people have those "dial down" abilities.

When someone you thought cared about you surprises you and shuts you out, they may not have the inner "filters" or whatever to keep themselves on an even keel. It doesn't mean that they don't care, they just don't know how to express it.

Another limit is when you really are strung out and have too much going on. In my experience, those times don't last too long. But when you're at that point, you have to be honest with the other person and tell them that you can't deal with anything right now. When you're in a better place emotionally, you can get in touch with them and offer to listen. Heck, maybe you have an answer.

Strange, though, that crises bring something more out of us that we didn't know we had. Suddenly, we can be there for someone. Love generates more love, and it seems to generate strength, too.